"The Book of Me" - Authoring my authentic life

“Life’s a tragedy and it’s a comedy, but it should be a passion play.”

- Loudon Wainwright III

It’s up to us all to decide how we will live our lives; much of that decisions come from how we define it.  In literary terms, it’s up to us whether we view it as a tragedy, a comedy or a mystery. We all know that over the course of our life we will experience all of those emotions. That is normal and we all ebb and flow between the ups, downs and indecision.

Where we get into problems is when we begin to live our lives as fables, metaphors, allegories and riddles and allow those things to define our thoughts of who we are. If we come to our end of times, we will realize that we have written a very false and unsatisfying story.

So, I challenge you to decide, what will your life be?

Will you build a life built upon hyperbole, simile and parables?

Will it be a comedy or an amusing anecdote?

Will it be a tragedy or a cautionary tale?

Will it be a mystery or maybe a riddle?

Maybe more importantly…..will it be an autobiography or a biography.

Some people live their lives as a biography, allowing others to write the chapters for them. Sadly these chapters are written from an outsider’s point of view. The outsiders know enough about the person to be an “expert”, but they only know the outer layers. They cannot help them write their authentic life.

I choose to live my life as an autobiography. It will be written by me and me alone. I am the guide and I am the author. I shall seek MY true path and live MY life. It may end up a tragedy but I am hoping for a passion play.

"We are addicted to our thoughts.

We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking."

– Santosh Kalwar

There I was hanging out with Magic Johnson.....or something like that.

Someone asked me the other day if there were any famous people that I had not met. They were joking of course, but I really have had the good fortune to be able to meet lots of famous and some infamous people. They asked me to name names of who I have met along the way.

The list is huge and someday I should write them down as best as I can remember, but I know that I would leave some off.

So, to satisfy the curiosity of some…..I’ll be a name dropper for the day.

Baseball- Steve Garvey, Randy Johnson, Carl Erskine, Reggie Jackson, Harmon, Killebrew, Joe Morgan, George Foster, and dozens of others

Basketball- Magic Johnson, James Worthy, Bonzi Wells, Mark Jackson, Bill Walton, Dick Vitale and several others

Football- John Madden, Peyton Manning, Steve Young, Tony Mandarich and many others

Racing- AJ Foyt, Michael Andretti, Dale Jr, Tony Stewart, Bobby Labonte, Kenny Bernstein, John Force, Nicky Haden and hundreds of others on the NASCAR, IRL, CART, MOTO GP, American Lemans and Rolex circuits.

Golf- Arnold Palmer, Tiger Woods, Lefty, Vijay Sing, Fuzzy Zoeller, John Daly, Steve Elkington and most of the tour golfers of our time.

Hollywood- Clint Eastwood, Andy Garcia, James Woods, Heather Locklear, James Brolin, Eric Estrada, George Lopez, Bill Murray, and a handful of others.

Art- Peter Max, Mackenzie Thorpe, Grace Slick (now an artist), and others.

Music- Tim McGraw, Clint Black, Dre’ and Snoop, Ratt, Kenny Wayne Shepard, Edwin McCain, Justin Timberlake, Alice Cooper, Darius Rucker and about fifty other bands

Politics/famous characters- Wavy Gravy, Tommie Smith, Sonny Barger, Jesse Jackson, and some others.

I met most of them through my jobs.

Would I say that any of us are friends. No.

Do I have a few of their personal cell phone numbers? Yes.

Have I had dinner with some? Yes.

Have I sat next to them at games? Yes.

Have I hung out backstage with some? Yes.

Have picked up a few at the airport? Yes.

Can I introduce you? No.  J

You're better off giving up? Sorry man, not today.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.- John Lennon

I read a study yesterday that concluded that pessimists were actually happier than optimists.

The theory is that people with a pessimistic view of the world were less disappointed when their life plans were not reached than those that were optimistic. So, if neither group reached their life goals then the pessimists (who knew that they would not happen anyway) dealt with it better than the less successful optimists.

This theory is counterintuitive at best. So, in this strange case of reverse logic people are better off to assume the worst and realize that no matter what they do they will never reach their dreams?

Sorry Professor, I can’t live like that. I cannot go through life assuming that I am screwed from day one. I have to keep hope in my heart and wish for the best. Some days that is the only thing that gets me out of bed.

I have a naturally pessimistic streak. I struggle with it every day. With that being said, I know that I am far happier when I try and stay on a positive thought path. If I lived by the theory of the study, I, like many would fall into a very negative thought pattern.

But, I’ve seen far too many people overcome and prosper. I’ve seen too many people follow crazy dreams and succeed to ever say that it is better off to never dream of more. I refuse to accept less than the best that this world has to offer.

So, call me crazy….I’ll try and stay positive and get up each day with some hope in my heart. As they say in the military, FIDO*, for those faint of heart the acronym’s definition is at the bottom of this blog.

“All human beings are also dream beings.

Dreaming ties all mankind together.”

-Jack Kerouac

*FIDO- Military jargon for “Fuck it, drive on.”

Reliving the 60's- One place at a time.

"If someone thinks that peace and love are just a cliche that must have been left behind in the 60s, that's a problem."

– John Lennon

1960-1969 were turbulent times in America. I love what those years stand for in our history and the changes those years brought to our country.

But I am also not naïve enough to think that it was a storybook time or that even all of America went through the same experience. I fully recognize a huge portion of American had two 1950’s and went straight to the 1970’s and missed the whole peace, love and hippie experience.

I fully understand that while some were deciding what to wear to the big dance others were organizing movements.

I “get” that while some were sitting in with the Beatles, others were “knee deep in rice paddies”.

But for me, the Haight-Ashbury, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abbie Hoffman 60’s are how I prefer to think of that period.

I was born late in the decade in 1966. So, like many Americans I was there but pretty much missed it. Missing it was not my fault. It is hard to hoist a peace sign while carrying a blankie. I’d like to think that given a few more years I would have been in there fighting the good fight and standing up to the man. Sadly, my protest years were to develop way too late to make a difference.

So, I have to recreate those times by visiting some of the key historical places as I travel. I’ve had the good fortune to stand on some hallowed historical ground that most of us have seen only in textbooks or on the History Channel and I have met some of the key people that made it all happen.

I’ve stood on the corner of Haight and Ashbury where the Hippies spawned the peace movement and driven by the Altamont Speedway area that for one night was anything but peaceful.

I’ve touched the stage at the Monterey County fairgrounds where Jimi burned his guitar and I’ve hung out with some of the same Hell’s Angels that nearly beat Hunter S. Thompson to death.

I have looked out over the field where four students were gunned down at Kent State and out the window looking over Dealey Plaza where we lost JFK.  

I have visited the Ebenezer Baptist Church where Martin Luther King, Jr. preached and also the Loraine Hotel where he died.

I’ve stood at the Vietnam War Memorial looking up the guys from my home town and I’ve laughed at photos of Ken Kesey’s, Merry Pranksters shown to me by an acquaintance.

I’ve met friends of Carlos Santana and enemies of the Grateful Dead.

I’ve had beers in Big Sur and thought of Kerouac, Ginsberg and the Beat boys and picnicked at Golden Gate Park with hopes of seeing girls “with flowers in their hair”.

I’ve met Wavy Gravy, Bobby Seale, Arlo Guthrie, Sonny Barger, Peter Max, Grace Slick and other 60’s notables with varying degrees of success. Wavy, the “mayor of the Haight” was funny, Sonny Barger, the “unofficial” President of the Hell’s Angels….was shockingly charming. Tommie Smith was a gentleman, Peter Max was the eccentric artist as I expected, Bobby Seale was cordial and kind, particularly for a Black Panther and Jesse Jackson was…..Jesse Jackson.

With every encounter I find that each one stirred a different unexpected emotion.  Kent State hit me hard emotionally as did the Lorraine Hotel. Dealey Plaza left me wondering. Arnold Palmer had me speechless. Grace Slick made me sad.

But with each encounter comes a small bit of understanding and recognition of the times that were. So, I ask you to look at our history and find a period that means something to you, a time that touches you and intrigues you then go find those places and if possible the people.

Maybe you’re a Civil War person; then go see Gettysburg, Pickett’s Mill, Antietam and Manassas.

If you’re a World War 2 person, visit Toccoa, Normandy and Iwo Jima.

Whatever your particular thing is, go to those places and make them real.  You owe it to yourself and to those people who sacrificed for us to see the places where history happened and to understand them just a little bit better. If possible meet some of the participants, ask questions, and learn. Trust me, you’ll never regret it.

If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday.

-Pearl Buck

Grandma Ratliff was right

In my job, I get to meet some amazing young people and they are some of the best and the brightest.  I have been on the campus at Wharton Business School and held meetings at M.I.T. I have had beverages with guys who attended Harvard and some of the best Tech schools in the world and have walked away so impressed with these young people.


But every so often I meet someone who "jumps the shark". The outlier who truly believes that they are a gift to the world, yet are so undeserving of that mantle. I could wax on poetically about the amazing ones, but I'd prefer to discuss the one who is confused. I’d like to speak to the one that was a lot like the 23 year old…..me.

My Grandma Ratliff used to have a saying. She would say…

"I'd love to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. Then I'd be a wealthy woman."

Have you ever known a person like that?

I do, and I feel sorry for him.

Not in that, “oh my, that’s a horrible disease" way, but more in the “Man the reckoning is going to be hard for you” kind of way?

I have an acquaintance that definitely falls into the latter category.

Bright, 20 odd, handsome, so much potential

The world hates him. Well, not everyone, just anyone who spends more than five minutes and see’s the real him.

Yet he walks the earth as a self righteous man. Arrogant to a fault, he is self serving and judgmental of everyone he comes into contact with.

I feel sad for him because I used to be him.

He believes that he is the smartest guy in the room and sadly is not even the smartest guy on his end of the table.

I feel sad for him because I used to be him.

There will be a time, when he gets a real job and he will act then like he acts now and Joe Paisley Tie across from him will crush him. Sadly my acquaintance will not understand why.

I feel sad for him because I used to be him.

He thinks the world loves him….and they don’t. Because they quickly realize that he is only cordial if you can do something for him.

I feel sad for him because I used to be him.

You may ask why I feel sad for this person. He is obviously not a worthy person.

I feel sad for him because life has a way of bringing down some heavy stuff. When it does, self opinion has a way of paying the toll for your failings. During those times you stop being an ignorant 23 year old and you become a man. That is a hard transition. It will be hard for him to question himself. It will be hard to recognize that he did not know everything. It will be hard when he realizes that there were great people in his life that he dismissed so easily, while he now sits alone.

I feel sorry for him, but in the same time I would love to meet him at 33, 43 or 53 and watch the progression. I guarantee this, the 43 year old version or the 53 year version will be a different person…a better person. By definition alone, they would almost have to be.

“But time I cannot change. So here's to looking back. You know I drink a whole bottle of my pride and I toast to change to keep these demons off my back,
just get these demons off my back.

 ‘Cause I want to shimmer, I want to shine, I want to radiate. I want to live, I want to love. I want to try to learn not to hate,
try not to hate.”

- Shawn Mullins

Thanks for the inspiration J.L. - you know who you are.

Bucket List #34, Have Beignets at Café du Monde.

“In a Bourbon Street bar, I received my first scar

from an old man so tattered and torn.”

- Jimmy Buffet

I first heard those words around 1982, riding around in a car with my good friend Rob Slagle. On that day we had the windows rolled down and we made a promise that someday we would give New Orleans a go.

From that moment on I have been fascinated by all things New Orleans. It is simply a place like no other. It is a mixing bowl of cultures and one of the few places on Earth that being eccentric is not only accepted but encouraged.

“It’s a strange situation, wild occupation…Living my life like a song.”

New Orleans has many famous landmarks; The Acme Oyster House, Tipitina’s, Brennan’s, The Commanders Palace, etc. But there is one place that sums up New Orleans better than all the rest. That place is the Café du Monde. The Decatur Street coffee shop was founded in 1862 and has been open 24/7 ever since except for Christmas day and when the occasional hurricane blows through town.

“Coffee is strong at the Café du Monde. Donuts are too hot to touch.

Just like a fool, when those sweet goodies cool…..

I eat ‘til I eat way too much.”

The Café is known for its café au lait coffee, chicory blend and French style donuts called beignets’ and when a place is known for something worldwide, why mess with tradition?

The Café du Monde

This leads me to this morning, and my scratching off #34 on my Bucket List.

Café au lait and fresh beignets’

But the coffee and donuts really are not the point of this story.

The trip to New Orleans with Rob never happened. It was just another of the many things lost on a summer night when a motorcycle crash took his life in his early 20’s.

It may seem like a small item on my Bucket List, but it was one that was a long time in coming. I leave with a joyful sense of a promise fulfilled and a hint of sadness for a friend long lost.

“Cause I’m living in things that excite me, be they pastries or lobsters or love. I’m just trying to get by, being quiet and shy in a world full of push and shove.”

Thanks again for the inspiration Mr. Buffet

and to my friends Kamal, Jon and Larry for joining me on my mission.

Dreams vs. Fantasy, and yes.... there is a difference

“All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection.

So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible.”

- William Faulkner

There comes a time in every man’s life when you realize that some of your dreams are just not going to happen. They don’t need to be abandoned, but they do need to be re-shelved under the fantasy section of our brains. I have a nice sized area cordoned off for just those types of things.

Now the difficult part is differentiating between the dreams and the fantasies. The truly hard part is moving the long held dreams up on the fantasy shelf.

Some are hard:

Giving up my baseball dream was very hard and sometimes even today, I’ll think back to what if’s and get a bit sad. Now, I know that the Dodgers will not be calling a 45 year old to tell me to grab my first basemen’s mitt anytime soon. I will never tip my hat after a walk off homer and sadly, the Hall of Fame will not be asking for my bat. So, I have to file that one up on the shelf and I’m good with that. I’ll just look for my home runs in other places.

Some are easy:

Hiking the Appalachian Trail always seemed more glamorous than I am sure it really is and I’m not big on mosquitoes. My feet hurt after ten miles and I really like sleeping in a bed. I realized awhile ago that this was a romantic notion that was fueled by one too many Men’s Journal articles. I like the outdoors, but hiking 2,100 miles over seven months? Thank you, no. I’ve got places to travel, but this will not be one of them.

Some were inevitable:

Even at age fourteen, I knew that I was never going to see Bobby Keller’s Sister naked, but, that did not stop me from dreaming.  I dreamed of proms, movies and date nights. Sadly, the fact she was nineteen and I barely fourteen proved to be too much of a hurdle.  So, my Cameron Crowe-like fantasy of holding up my boom box or faithfully recreating some John Hughes inspired moment, to sway her affections , in reality was just never going to come.  But then again, I doubt that I have missed much and have experienced many much better moments.

And some hurt:

Sometimes the really painful dreams involve second chances. Second chances rarely come; whether they are from past relationships, past lives, past successes or past failures. Those things are said to be in the past for a reason, they are gone. We all have things we would change or things we wish that we would have done differently, but recognizing that the more we live in the past the less that we are living in the now.  Now is truly all that we have that is certain. So I need to keep my eyes forward and drive on.

I suppose that the point is this, knowing which things are possible and which things are not can lead you to a greater overall happiness. Sure, I can sit around and pine away for Dodger Blue, but that is clearly not going to happen. So, I need to invest that time accomplishing other dreams.

Now I’m not filing these things away forever. Fantasy time still needs to exist and we need to embrace it. Embracing it is not dwelling on it. There is nothing better on a sleepy Saturday afternoon than nodding off to my little fantasy that I like to call “Jim’s Home run Derby”. But if I let my “failure” to have accomplished all my “dreams” make me a bitter old man, that’s a problem.  I refuse to tie my whole life and my daily attitude up with dreams that were actually just fantasies gone unfulfilled.

The key is to know the difference between dreams and reality

and learning how to embrace one…………….

without completely losing the other.

Working with a "Life Coach"

We all need a mentor or guide from time to time, so I have decided to work with a life coach. It’s a weird thing for me. I don’t talk about myself easily and I am much more comfortable helping friends work through their stuff.

In fact, I “coach” others on an informal basis often getting many calls, emails or texts a day to discuss other people’s current situations. I love doing it and I sometimes think that I help them come up with things that they may not get to on their own.

But now I think that I need someone to do that for me.  I am blessed to have so many close friends, so with no offense intended to anyone, I need an outsider’s neutral opinion. I need to talk to someone that has no vested interest in me and has not been there through it all.

Weird thought, isn’t it?

When you really try and figure out your life goals and who you are vs. who you want to be… you go to a stranger. But, when you need to get down to the real stuff you need to work with someone who can call your bluff.

This should be an interesting experiment. I am excited about the possibilities. I’m hungry for change and ready to listen.

OK Coach, give me your best shot!